Over the last few years personal boundaries have become a hot topic mostly thanks to all these new coaches and gurus online who teach us how we should think, feel, and live our lives. And while standing up for ourselves isn’t bad on its own – on the contrary, it’s something we should have been learned at a very young age not to end up becoming a constant people pleaser – I think sometimes it crosses the limits today. Let me explain.

For decades and centuries, people have been following these unwritten courtesy rules. They always put the opinion of other person or the society in general above everything and acted accordingly. They dressed in a way to make the right impression, the spoke with internal censorship, they did or didn’t do certain things just to cater to others. And while following some simple ethical guidelines wasn’t really hard or bad, somewhere along the way it went too far. Many people started building their lives and making important decisions only on the account of these rules. To pick a socially respectable job instead of following their passion, to marry the “appropriate” person, instead of the one they actually love. To never really state their opinion, to give up on their idea of how they want to live. Because otherwise they’d be considered so many negative things I won’t even bother to list.

People lived in this mandatory system for ages, suppressing their true emotions and desires because they thought it was the right thing to do. But it couldn’t last too long. When the modern movements came along, promoting freedom of speech and action, the old system shuttered and started to collapse. I can’t really say when exactly that shift happened, but the more it went, the more people started just not to care. Their inner rage and rebellion against the cage they lived in for generations came to the surface.

And it wasn’t bad at first, as many people simply started doing what they actually wanted, instead of constantly being guided by the social rules. They stopped following their parents’ footsteps, chose their life path on their own, some quitted their jobs or education they didn’t want, some started traveling the world instead of settling in and having a lot of children, they stopped hanging out with people just because of the same courtesy, choosing their own friend circle… And it was all fun and games at first, but, as we all know, people never keep the right balance. They always go from one extreme to another. And that’s exactly what happened.

What started as a harmless act of free will slowly turned into disrespect towards others. People started giving so much importance to themselves and their ego, that they completely stopped thinking about the feelings of others. They often recklessly do what they want without thinking about the consequences or how it will affect others. Because some personal growth coach out there taught them how they should stand their ground. And they blindly followed these instructions without giving them a second thought.

They cut off anyone-even if it’s their closest family or friends-who has a different opinion or, god forbid, dares to give unasked advice or constructive criticism. They don’t want to listen to their friends complaining about a hard situation or problems they’re having, because apparently they’re just being toxic. They aggressively snap back at anyone asking about their personal life or jokes about getting married and having kids asap. They ignore their close people and their simple requests, because they should only concentrate on themselves and their goals. And don’t get me started on simple social media courtesy because it’s been dead for a long while now. People don’t even bother to answer a simple message they receive because it’s so time-consuming and mentally exhausting to write a few words to the person who either genuinely wanted to talk to you or had something important to ask. Some people even consider receiving an unexpected call as crossing their boundaries. And I’m not even exaggerating, I’ve seen people complaining about how rude it is to get a random call from someone without being asked for permission in advance. Isn’t this the peak of absurdity? I’m sure Alexander Bell is turning in his grave from this nonsense.

These were a few simple examples to show the misconception of what personal boundaries are thought to be now. At some point people started to confuse standing their ground with simply being rude and considered this behavior normal. As I mentioned above I’m all for learning to defend yourself, your interests and beliefs, to stand firm and do whatever you want in a healthy way. It’s okay to be slightly egoistic and think about your wellbeing first, cause who’s going to take care of you if not yourself? But there’s the thin line between standing up for yourself and disrespecting others.

Because you can still protect your peace without disrupting someone else’s. You can state your opinion without being mean. You can carry on living how you want but not make a big fuss about it in front of those who think differently. You can choose the people you want to surround yourself with but you can’t cut off anyone who looks at the world not as you do, cause that’s not standing up for yourself, that’s simply hiding like an ostrich, thinking that if you don’t see the problem, it’s automatically gone. That’s how you learn to set limits or assert for your rights without disrespecting others.