A few months ago I made a kinda similar post dedicated to my 10th anniversary of graduating school. I mentioned in there that 2014 was also significant for me for two other reasons: in that year I finished my tutoring lessons and entered university.

Since I love reflecting on my past, I decided to make another nostalgic/self-analyzing post. So, first things first, what is a tutoring year? In Armenia in order to pass the exams for entering university you need to tutor. Of course, some kids were studying on their own, but that’s far more difficult, so most pupils preferred tutoring. At that time all my friends, who were older than me, warned me that it is going to be very difficult, stressful and horrible in general. People kept telling to hang in there, and I was a little terrified from the mere thought of those lessons.

But the more it went, the more I realized that it’s wasn’t that scary at all. In fact, I started enjoying those lessons for numerous reasons. First of all, in the tutoring year we all pretty much ditched school. I’d go to school maximum twice a week for a couple of hours, so not having to wake up early and spend hours listening to boring lessons was a true blast for me. Second of all, instead of learning 10 different unnecessary subjects, I only focused my energy on two – english and armenian. It allowed me to be more concentrated and organized and I started learning much better and more efficiently. Third, I was lucky to have one of my best friends in the same group with me, so that was always fun. Sometimes even too much fun, as we’d often start laughing hysterically and didn’t know how to stop. We were studying at our tutors’ houses, so it was a cozy and not so intense atmosphere with the teacher and only 4 students in the room.

Another thing that was important for me – I finally had a serious goal in life. Because at school you study simply not to get yelled at and to get good grades. Grades or being scolded by teachers wasn’t a great motivation for me, as I simply didn’t care about those things. But now I finally knew why I was studying, I saw a point in spending hours sometimes late at night to learn, because I wanted to enter university. So, that goal kept me motivated for a whole year.

Now, I have to confess that it wasn’t all butterflies and rainbows. It was indeed a stressful year, and I did face many difficulties and problems, but somehow all those negative things made my experience even more wholesome. Plus, it made me stronger and more productive.

Pretty much everyone I know were desperately waiting for the tutoring lessons to be over. So when we passed the exams, entered university and still had 2+ months of summer holidays ahead, it was a true celebration. For everyone, except for me. I found myself feeling depressed and sad because one of the best years of my life was over. I soon realized, that now I don’t have a goal anymore and my life felt pointless and aimless. It’s strange how entering uni was my number one dream for a long time, but when it came true, I felt empty and not happy at all.

And then, that day arrived – I went to university. It’s funny, how on at that time I felt so mature and grown up, and now, looking back I can see that I was still a scared child, who had absolutely no idea what’s going on. I always had a problem with fitting in, as I feel like I’m imposing myself on others. But luckily I did manage to find some good friends from almost the very beginning, which made that initial period easier and more fun. But still, I couldn’t “accept my destiny” for a long while. I was missing my tutoring teachers and groups, and my expectations of university didn’t match the reality. I thought it’d be a cool place, with interesting and beneficial subjects, great discussions, but university ended up being just another four grades of school with many unnecessary subjects that just kept wasting our time and didn’t have anything to do with our profession (which, for me, was translation studies, btw). That’s why I didn’t study all those meaningless lessons, because I didn’t see a point. I just needed to get the passing grade. I only payed attention to those classes, which were informative and interesting.

Another issue that I’ve faced – I somehow thought that everyone else around me was so much better, smarter, more beautiful and talented etc. than I am, which destrcutive for me self-confidence. I thought everyone knows so much more than I do. So, it was another thing I needed to work on. Luckily, through time I started to see my own worth and realize that everything I saw at first was just a beautiful facade and nothing more. So I learned to appreciate myself and see my strengths.

So, I guess that was pretty much it. I don’t know whether my little story will be interesting for anyone, but I enjoyed typing everything and kind of re-living that period once again, but with a much older and wiser perspective. I was a completely different person back then – insecure, naive, wanting to be like everyone else, not trusting herself and her intuition. But that was a part of this long journey we call life. It was a fun and curious period of my life, with both its ups and downs. I don’t think I’d want to go back, because if I had such a desire, I’d have gotten my master’s degree as well, which I didn’t.