Being a very nostalgic person as I am, I couldn’t have missed this “anniversary” of me graduating from school. Whenever I come across such dates, like 5 years since doing this or 10 years since doing that, I instantly start getting flashbacks of those times and start comparing myself with, well, my old self, because that’s apparently what I like to do.

Though this time it’s a little harder to do so, because I was a kid back then, even though I was sure that I’m already a grown up and know pretty much everything in life. But there are things I’d like to do some analysis of.

You know, I always hated school, I thought of it as a prison. Now, I love reminiscing about the old times, remembering only the fun parts, like hanging out with my friends every day, goofing around, but back then it was a nightmare. I hated the subjects, I hated waking up early even more, and that was enough for me. High school was even worse, because in my old school I was at least already familiar with everything and everyone. And this place was a whole new world, with new kinda people (not entirely good though) and life lessons. It’s interesting how only in 3 years I managed to experience so many things, like being alone and not having friends, not fitting in; later becoming part of the “cool” group, who were basically the “mean girls” of our class; then facing a betrayal and realization of being friends with not worthy and wrong people. So it was all definitely very eventful and enlightening, which made me grow up a little and become less naive as I was before, trusting every single person and every single word.

Another thing that’s worth talking about is how teenagers often love dramatizing everything. Sometimes when I read my old diary entries or scroll through my social media publications, I find it funny how a 17 year old was talking about difficulties, sharing depressive posts and pondering about the philosophy of life. I guess I can say that back then I loved thinking and talking about philosophy a lot, like what’s the meaning of life, what is love, happiness and other stuff like that. Later, when you grow up and slowly start facing real difficulties, you realize that our life is already full of struggles and problems, and there’s no point of coming up with theoretical existential matters and concerns. So I guess one of the main things that has changed in me is that now I try to be as optimistic and positive as possible and kinda “lessen” the importance of the problems I’m facing. While 10 years ago I’d find a minor discomfort and try to make a big deal of it in order to feel like I’m in a teen drama film, if that makes sense. I’d let a single bad minute affect my whole day, thinking that my life sucks. Now I realize that life has both good and bad moments, and that there’s beauty in its versatility.

But you know, when you compare yourself, you always want to be better now, than you were many years ago. But let’s face it, sometimes it can be the exact opposite. Not everyone grows to be their better version, sometimes our bad characteristics grow more than the good ones. I’m not telling that now I’m worse than 10 years ago, but there were parts of me that were definitely better, and sometimes I truly miss that part. It’s not something too drastic though. You know, when you see or live through something, you can’t un-see or un-live it. Everything that happens leaves a mark, sometimes even trauma on us. So, all the things that have happened in these 10 years, whether good or bad, have definitely left a trace. For example, as I said, I was too naive back then. But facing betrayals, liars, gossipers, jealous people, made me develop trust issues, not ready to trust everyone new, or sometimes even old. Of course, I realize that sadly in this life it’s better not to trust people than being as naive as I was but those are two extremes, that need to have a balance, something that I’m working on.

Or I was more careless and easygoing back then, I had less worries and anxious thoughts that now prevent or try to prevent me from doing what I want. But again, I understand that it’s simply another protection mechanism that stops us from making mistakes and doing stupid and dangerous things. There are many other examples, but it’d be take me too long if I start describing. The point is, it’s okay to admit that when you grow up, you don’t necessarily develop all the good traits. Sometimes bad and destructive ones grow as well, and it’s okay. I guess the past is given us to remember how we were years ago and try to make lessons from it: to learn on our mistakes and not do sth we’d do then, but also to remember the good parts that at one point shone brighter than they do now, and sort of to bring them back.

2014 marks two other important “anniversaries”. Along with graduating, I also finished my tutoring lessons, which at that point were far more important and enjoyable for me than school. And the second milestone is, of course, entering university. But I think it’s a whole other long topic, so I reckon I’ll do another post about these two events in September.

There are many things I’d like to say as well, but I’ve already rambled on too much. The point is that sometimes I miss that reckless teenager, who was just entering another phase of life and thought that she knew how to handle everything, even though she had absolutely no idea about lots of things. And I’m really proud of this long journey, that has cultivated me into the person I am now. I read a theory somewhere, that the best way to know if you’re on the right path or not, is to think about whether the little you would be proud of the present you. And I can for sure say, that the 17-year-old me would be so happy to see, that I haven’t turned into one of those boring adults who don’t know how to have fun and enjoy life. And that I still do what I like, haven’t betrayed my true essence, haven’t become like everyone else, and haven’t given up on my dreams. But, to be completely honest, she’d also laugh at me for sometimes being a little too anxious or concerned about things that shouldn’t matter. But in general I think she’d love this version of me, and that’s the most important thing.