One same situation, two different attitudes.

So, before starting with the psychological and philosophical discussion, here’s a preview consisting of my current situation.

I graduated and took a gap year. No further studies or job for an uncertain period of time. A time to relax, to get rid of all the shit collected in 15 years of mandatory regime and educational programs. A time to understand who I really am and what I want to do, what’s my purpose in this world. But we’re not gonna talk about it now. So back to the gap year. Almost all of my friends work/study, so ofc I don’t see them as often. Let’s say that I spend most of my time alone. Some people will see this depressing af, but for me, I didn’t even realized that how much of a time I spend alone. And surprisingly it wasn’t that bad, on the contrary it was really good. I’m not saying that I’m a sociopath or that I decided to spend my life as a nun in a monastery alone, but having no opportunity to hang out with my friends that often, gave me a lot of time to think and to act all on my own. It was a great lesson to be more and more independent with every new day. Shopping alone, having a walk alone. Making my own decisions even in small things such as in which direction to go or which top or candy to buy without anyone’s advice. But most importantly not feeling miserable because of loneliness no, quite the opposite, loving and enjoying my own company. If you spend some time alone and instantly feel bored, don’t know what to do, especially without your phone, and try to find any occasion to run from yourself, be around noise and people, then Houston, we have a problem. That’s a sign that you might need to have a, how do they say it, yes, a glow up of your soul, your interests, hobbies and personality. Otherwise you’re not just bored, you’re boring.

But it has a bad side I think. No, not for me. For the system of matrix. Learning to live on your own and rely on yourself kind of cuts you even more from the system and you become more “dangerous” and “weird” for the society. You kind of realize that you don’t need too much people around you, the people you don’t even like, but have to stick to for unknown reasons. You realize that family doesn’t start and end up with blood, so you don’t have to communicate with your relatives if they get on your nerves every single time you see them. That you can cut off the toxic people from your life, who have nothing but a negative effect on you or who treat you bad. That you can live alone, and still have a great time. Well at least I got that feeling. I think there’ll be lots of others, who staying alone for a while will befriend anyone who says “hello” to them. Who will be imposed to others in order to go somewhere not alone but with “someone”. And not even care for the content of that someone, just have the facade or the idea of a “friend” next to them. And it’s the fear of being alone. Well I had that one years ago, not gonna lie. But through time I realized the stupidity of it. You are not gonna feel yourself happy with fake friends or relatives. By fake I mean people, with whom you don’t have even a word in common. You will still feel lonely and miserable. So if that’s the case, why don’t you feel lonely in your home, with a good movie and cozy blanket? No company is better than bad company. I was seeing this quote so much for some time, I guess that was the first act of realizing new stuff. That’s what I kept saying even before I saw that quote. I always thought, that iiif I wouldn’t find my other half, whom I would truly love, I wouldn’t just marry someone, because they’re good, respectable, make good money, or some bullshit like that. That’s a slightly different topic, but still had a connection with this one.

Well again, my situation is not that I don’t have friends. I’m beyond grateful to have every single one of them, and realize that even if you don’t see each other often, you still remain best of friends with lots of topics to discuss and fun to have. People who actually care about you, who will be there for you no matter what and vice versa. It’s just another topic for my observation in my spare time. Finally understanding that it’s only your choice and attitude that matter. Whether it’s a loneliness or freedom. Freedom to do whatever you want and whenever you want. And become independent, something that used to be one of my flaws for some period. Counting too much on others, shifting my choices and responsibilities to others. But that’s one of the perks of life and personal growth. You learn things, correct mistakes and go ahead. And making your cons to the pros.

So what’s my choice of the attitude towards my situation? Obviously and definitely freedom.

p.s. searching for a photo for the cover of this blog I also found this one. Not really about what I wrote, just similar.