I mean I graduated two months ago, but today I got my diploma and now everything’s official. I just felt like recapping all these 4 years, cause I’m bored.
For a long while university was my biggest regret. I didn’t feel like fitting in, in the general atmosphere. I didn’t like what I was studying, all the subjects were loads of bullshit for me. Well not all of them, but 95%. I was dreaming of a different life, different choices, different me and I wanted to give up so many times. Just leaving everything behind, running away from it, finding sth else to do. But I didn’t. Something was leading me through days and months. I guess that’s what they call destiny. I was where I supposed to be, doing what I supposed to do. I started to slowly accept it, try to learn as much as I can and not only in scientific way. And now, 4 years later I see the path I went through. All the changes between me and the lost and anxious freshman who was afraid of everything new. Who always thought everyone else was way better and smarter and more beautiful and more everything than she was. Every week was like a war with demons and monsters within me. And the fact that I didn’t even want to be there was making everything more complicated. The only consolation was good and fun times with my friends and exploring everything new, which frightened but fascinated me at the same time. New people, places, interests. New challenges, new levels to pass. It was like a whole subject for me, which was one of the few advantages of university. The next problem after accepting the uni, was accepting myself, my flaws, imperfections, fears and everything. It was way difficult, as it was a battle in me. The next two years were about that. I started to appreciate everything that I have, but most importantly myself. I stopped judging every single failure of me, accepted the fact that I am a human being with faults. And though that road was not simple, filled with anxiety and psychosomatic weirdness, I started to overcome my own demons eventually. The last year was kind of the practical part of what I’ve learned. The repetition of the last 3 years. I started to see myself not only as a student, someone connected and trapped in uni, but a free person, who has a life outside of it. Though I was skipping classes a lot, still I had my lessons going on. It was another interesting challenge to decide what is more important and more pleasant thing to do for me. I was building the little parts of nowadays’ me. And I like that.
One thing that I noticed recently while looking back at old pictures of the freshmen year. When I was taking the pictures then, I almost never liked me on them. I thought how everyone else was beautiful and I wasn’t. Now looking back I thought “damn I was actually really good”. I didn’t see the imperfections I saw 4 years ago, I only noticed the good stuff. And that was another great accomplishment for me, as I was always insecure about myself, my hair, clothes, style and everything, always compared myself to everyone and not in the good way. And now as I accept me mentally, I accept myself physically, and I see not the flaws but the rest. This was just, by the way, somehow connected to the topic.
I won’t continue my studying in masters degree. I’ve had enough of the social building with stupid rules and no content. When someone asks me about uni, I say it was a bloody nightmare, but I don’t think I sincerely mean it. Yes I went through a lot of crap, and no one ever knew about it, just because I wasn’t ready to open up. To say to anyone that I had a huge anxiety was just simply unbelievable for me at that time. But now I feel like writing about it and cleaning everything up from my mind. And now I can say that it wasn’t really a nightmare. I had lots of fun, lots of good and warm memories, I can’t and won’t deny it. The last days of uni were even sad for me as I was recalling everything great that I’ve had throughout these years. But what’s most important is the enormously huge changes in me, all the character-development, lessons, mistakes, problems and difficulties I had. It was the worst for me at one time, but I couldn’t be more proud of everything I went through, good or bad. And if someone gave me a chance to go back and quit at the most complicated time, when I wanted to quit, I definitely wouldn’t do that. Because that’s what made me stronger, wiser and more mature. This little piece of paper doesn’t tell my story, but I just did that. And it is just a reminder of ‘good old times’. So thanks university for absolutely everything I went through, for all the good times, all the people I’ve met, all the fun, and also all the bad stuff that happened. Sincerely and genuinely thank you. And farewell. 🔚