September got me feeling nostalgic for my student years, whether in school or university. I’ve been getting a lot of memories, mostly good ones, as when time passes, your brain kind of erases the bad recollections. At least mine does.
As they say it’s never too late for anything. Not ever too late to analyze yourself and your behavior in a certain period, even if that period was a long time ago. So I guess that’s what I’m trying to do now.
Watching a teenage rom com about school, friendships, relationships and “social status” made me realize something. I had always been the weird one out. Watching this movie, which I loved years ago, as I could relate so much to it, helped me understand lots of things. You have probably seen many teenage (and not only teenage) movies, when someone tries really hard, in order to get into a friendship, the cool group or the luxurious environment. They do everything, change their style, interests, ways of talking and acting just to be accepted. Now, looking back, it’s funny to realize, that I was that person. Of course everything is highly exaggerated in movies to make the point clearer. The reality was much duller, I didn’t do anything way too crazy, but one thing is sure I did try to be like everyone else, tried to hide some of my preferences and hobbies and acquired new ones. And now I can clearly see, how those big group friendships were forced, how unwelcome I was. I didn’t understand it back then, I only knew that I wanted to become a part of something cool. To hang out and be friends with people I liked the best, or thought that these were the “cool kids” of the class, the most fun ones. So high school basically repeated those movie scenarios for me with a failed friendship group. When I got out of that toxic environment, I promised myself not to do it again. But I did. I still forced myself into a place where I definitely didn’t belong. Where again I had to try really hard in order to be accepted and welcomed as a friend. Eventually I was accepted and everything was great, or at least it seemed to be. However as they say, all good things come to their end. Luckily I soon started to realize that I didn’t like the person I was, as it wasn’t the real me. And I got on the right path quite quickly. It was hard because when you stop doing what you thought you had to, people get surprised and don’t want to accept the new you, they want to see you how you were. And that’s the biggest problem with faking. You can’t go on like that forever. Or some can, I don’t really know. But if you create a whole new identity or personality for something or someone special, one day, when that personality expires, people surrounding you will start questioning everything. And you’ll just end up loosing everything.
Accepting and enhancing your true self is quite a hard path to go through but it’s totally worth it. After two big mistakes (maybe there were some other smaller ones way before those as well, I don’t remember now) I managed to understand what many people don’t till the rest of their lives. I still see many people changing their colors like a chameleon in order to suit a certain environment. How they keep changing their opinions, style, interests etc. to be suited for this new place or new people. It’s bad, but it’s already their lives and their choices. I did mine. I’ll rather be the black sheep, white crow or the weird one out everywhere I go, but I’ll be me, no matter how hard it can be. And I’ll know that people who surround me are there for the real me, not the fake one that I’ve created. And that’s great.