People get themselves to the breaking point in order to see their mistakes…
Basically, long story short that’s what happened to me. And not even once, but twice. Or maybe more. Funny how you ignore what’s wrong in your life and in yourself for so long, that God himself makes you stop and think. The first and natural reaction would be anger or misunderstanding, why this happened to me. Then you start to think and think and think. Start to blame the universe, everyone and everything for a failure, as I did, arguing with God (I think he had a great laugh that one night), then you start to fight, you consider yourself stronger than the universal will, think that you can change what’s been written for you, that you can do everything yourself. The more you resist, the harder it becomes. And eventually you just surrender. Something I should have done way earlier. You can’t even imagine what a relief that was. I remember waking up after a long dark night of sleeplessness, still not being completely awake and thinking unconsciously “my soul has finally rested”. Imagine how you should’ve let yourself get in such a turmoil, that the first thing you think is that.
Only when you give up without any regret or negativity you slowly start to collect the pieces of your puzzle. You start to understand what you were doing wrong all this time. How your mindset was often negative, something I’ve been arguing about cause I just never accepted it. How you often felt not worthy or guilty, and not because everyone else was blaming you, but because you were blaming yourself , for doing sth wrong, for expressing your opinion, for saying no to people for living the way you do etc… You start to remember stuff from your childhood and only now realize how it affected you. You just realize that you were stressing your own self out, with all your shitty expectations, imaginations, ambitions. Yes, one thing that I also learned about myself is that apparently I’m really ambitious, which I never thought I was. But it doesn’t concern some materialistic or career stuff, like become rich, buy a car, become a president and stuff like that, no it was more about always being strong, never having failures or weakness, not being the hero I watched or read so much about. Basically I gave myself the gap year to relax from society rules and mandatory things, but I created a hell of ride myself.
So imagine having all these and many other stuff and thinking that you’re perfectly fine, that you don’t have any problems to solve. What a fool. But what distinguishes a fool from a wise person is understanding and accepting that once you were a complete idiot. And again this period would be among the ones, when I feel like I’ve grown up in 5 more years in just two weeks.
As I said, I got to such a culmination once before, in 2016, when I constantly felt physically ill because I didn’t accept myself, that I was the white crow. It got to the point when I was so sick that I missed my exams, and that was the breaking point, a moment that was really hard but one of the best moments in my life, cause it just slapped me saying “what the hell are you doing, stop it, pull yourself together woman”. And it did slap me again a few weeks ago, when I missed my flight and my trip because I couldn’t physically and mentally get out of the house. And imagine that I don’t regret it at all. It was more than necessary for me, cause if it didn’t happen, I would carry on with my life thinking that everything is perfectly okay and that I don’t have any major stuff to work on myself. Now I’m having the well-needed rest time for me, with no stress, no blame, nor self-accusations, no forced things of any kind. That’s one thing that everyone should do when they feel at the rock bottom. The rehabilitation time isn’t only for ill people, or drug addicts, everyone needs this. Just some time with yourself, relaxing, having nothing to do, nowhere to go. Watching positive and uplifting movies, making art, lying around, having small walks… also trying to be offline as much as possible, cause nowadays social media can be a stressful and toxic place. And also an important thing is: never compare yourself, your failures and victories to anyone else, even fictional people, don’t ever think, that your life is over, that your days are ending, that you have to do everything asap cause then it’ll be late. No it won’t. That’s another thing I’ve learned. That I was trying to overcome myself to do sth, to think about my future, whether I want to study or work right now. Just let it go. Even if it takes a month, 3 month or even a year to fully recover, what’s the problem? What is one year compared to your whole future filled with happiness, health and confidence? Nothing, so just give yourself the time you need. Some babies start talking when they’re 2, the others when they’re 4, so what? Do the first ones get sth special that the other ones don’t ? obviously not. Always remember this and take your time to blossom and become the most fascinating flower of your garden.