We haven’t had philosophical monologues for a long time, have we?
No this time it didn’t start from a song. Which is really surprising btw. It started from me. My old words, my old thoughts which I have forgotten. I started to reread my old blogs of 2016, when I overcame a hard stage of my life, got inspired and motivated again and restarted my blog.
Whenever I looked back at myself, I always thought “how stupid I was at that time”. I think this is the only existing exception, when I read something I wrote 2 years ago, and I not only feel proud of myself, but also get the same feeling I had while writing it. What do people call it? Butterflies in stomach? Heart beating? Whatever. My soul reacted to my writings, which my mind totally forgot. I think that’s when you can say that you did something with your whole heart, when you have goosebumps from your own words. It’s like a meeting with an old best friend. A friend who all those years was me, about whom I sometimes forget, to which I apologize.
Something is different though, in my writings. And I’m still trying to figure out what. Of course, through years I’ve learned new words and expressions, but that’s not it. I think I might be lighter at that time? Or more serious now. And it’s not that I’ve changed or my thoughts or feelings. I think it’s the courage that I got to write down everything, well almost everything, the way they are. Not to hide, not to lie not to be quiet. I don’t know why, I literally don’t. At those time I was writing more about my inspirations, about the good and positive, trying go ignore the bad sides and the problems. I was, I think more focused on others than me. Trying to motivate and inspire others, to please everyone through my words. And it wasn’t only through my blogs but in general. I think I might care about everyone else’s opinions/moods more than I did about my own self. But it wasn’t something I did intentionally. I just didn’t want to talk about the bad stuff and wanted to be a light, a hope, a strong shoulder for everyone else. Maybe I wasn’t strong enough to acknowledge my weaknesses at that time. Or wanted to ignore it so it would go away. But that’s not how it usually works. You have to know you bad sides, your fears and problems, even share them, but not pay much attention to them and not focus on them. That’s what I’ve been doing recently. If in 2016 I was slowly trying to accept the fact that I’m different, my weird interests and tastes, my lifestyle and hobbies, now, well for a year I think, I am also trying to accept the dark side of myself, which in reality is a great progress. And maybe two years are considered to be slow, but with steady steps I’m walking forward, still working on myself; still learning.
It’s really crazy how I put the words and my questions down, and the answers come to me immediately as I write. I know now what’s different about the two mes. But not too much. I’m still the same easily inspired person, gettin super excited for everything new, new season, new holiday etc. Also an important part. Not to focus on the negative and keep the happiness and excitement of life within yourself.
If I met someone right now, I could easily say “You met me at a very strange time in my life”, a building in front of us could blow up and fell down and we would be literally in a movie. Ofc it wouldn’t happen, by this I’m just saying that now is really a strange period of my life. Recollecting the past, enjoying the present and dreaming about the future. Exploring, learning, thinking. There’s never enough time for that. But I think I just went too far again, so I’ll just stop. Just wanted to share this moment with myself, so that in two years I would know, that two years before I was super proud of myself of two years ago…wait what? that’s how strange I am.