As you may or may not know, I love doing then and now comparisons, whether it’s about my appearance, mental state, or anything else. Today happens to be one of these days. Everything started from two songs, that I was listening to exactly one year ago this time. I am listening these songs now and again comparing myself with myself if that makes sense. These two songs were inspiring me last year, and I was feeling so good listening to them, I wanted to break free and live the way I wanted. But there was a huge but. I was lost at that time. I had so many thoughts haunting me, about everything, about life, people, relationships but mostly about who I really was. From these constant thoughts and anxiety I was having really bad headaches and nausea. Whenever anyone was asking why I feel bad, I was blaming on bad food, or too much time on the phone etc. But in reality it was all psychosomatic. I had so many questions and almost no answers. Waking up and going to sleep with the same and same questions. I was trying to accept me the way I was, always different, always surrounded by my imagination and fantasy. Always seeking for more interesting and enlightening topics to talk about rather than stuff like make-up, weddings, clothes etc. I was slowly embracing myself, my true self, and that’s when the clash happened. That’s when I started to spend more time all alone, with myself. Not because others were not interesting to hang out with, like some people thought, or not because I didn’t enjoy time spending out, just because I needed to concentrate on myself. Sounds egoistic? Yes, but as I said one, that’s not a bad thing. I needed time to recover from my false old identity, which probably was dictated by society;to heal from the differentiation and even fears and to learn to live the way I wanted. I started to pay more attention to my inner self, my soul, started to find beauty and relaxation in small things. Some people couldn’t understand, and I wasn’t able to explain. And that was a whole another burden on me, as though I didn’t have any other problems. I couldn’t explain because at that time maybe even I didn’t know what’s going on. But one thing I knew for sure, is that the joke wasn’t on anyone else, and it wasn’t really connected with others. It was all about me. My soul’s revolution against me, against everyone and society rules. Eventually my true self started to win, I started to put myself and my interests on the first place, started to say what I think, started to lie less and be honest and first of all, honest with myself. Now, one year later, I can’t say that I’ve completely found myself. I still learn, develop, make mistakes and try again. But I am free. Free from all that burden I had one year ago. Now I embrace all my creativity, I only do what makes me feel happy and inspired. I make the choices of my life. I’m starting to find out and see the answers to my millions of questions. Why it happened? Whose fault was it, mine or the universe’s? Was I right or wrong? The answer is-just because. Things happen. It’s no one’s fault. Those were just lessons and exams I needed to pass. It was my weird path I needed to get through. It is what it is. And it was complicated, and bad but now I am happy about how things turn out. Because without them I wouldn’t be who I am now. And now listening to these songs I feel the same inspiration, but this time knowing that I can be the person I wanted to be for a year and even more. I don’t even know why I started to talk about these things, that I thought I’d never have the courage to talk about. They don’t bother me anymore, but maybe somewhere deep in my soul these were the things I wanted to write down and completely get over with. Read everything as a stranger, as though it didn’t happen to me. And maybe while writing these I exaggerated a little, but that’s what I like to do.
p.s.-if anyone’s interested, the songs are I have questions, and Crying in the club.