Here I am… Another night, another time of thoughts. This time the fault was in music. I just heard one old song and everything started on its own. Well, actually everything started way before tonight, the song just activated the thoughts. The thing is, I am graduating this year. 3 more days of lessons and then it’s almost over. This thought is haunting me for a few days. I never thought that I could care about university ending. This moment was the light after the long and dark tunnel. I was dreaming about it. Yet, suddenly I realized that’s it’s not only a happy thought. How ridiculous life is. When you have something, you keep complaining about it, wait when it’ll be over(btw, I still want it to end, don’t misunderstand me). But when it is ending, you don’t remember all the bad things and moments, all the problems that you had. You get emotional and think that everything was great. On the one hand it’s even good to remember only the good things.
For the last few days I was listening to old songs that I had been listening in my first or second years of uni, and the memories keep flooding. My thoughts, dreams and memories of those times keep coming and coming. I don’t remember the bad moments. The moments I was depressed or wanted to leave everything behind and give up. I remember the good days. Sunny days with friends, our laughs, photoshoots, coming home together, great songs etc. Here I should mention, that I live two lives-the real one, and the one of my imagination. Whenever I was alone, going to uni or coming back, during boring lessons, or just at home, I was living the imaginary life in my head. The songs were the soundtrack of my two lives, which I sometimes trying to combine. And it’s damn hard to say goodbye to both of them. Good or bad, easy or complicated it was my life for a whole 4 years. 4 freakin years I saw the same people, went to the same places, did the same thing. And even if for that time it felt like a heavy routine, now I understand that I’ll kinda miss it. Just imagining that I may not see the people I see now for ever, is upsetting. It’s not that I adored everyone I saw, still I’ll miss them, miss the wanderings around uni, fun. And most of all, I’ll miss that part of me, the student me. A phase of my life mixed with every kind of different emotions and feelings and thoughts.
I know that I’ve changed. Even for the last year, I’m not the same I was a few years ago, and I’ve been even making fun of ” then me”, thinking how immature and stupid I was sometimes or often. And even if I had a chance to go back and live everything again, I wouldn’t have done that. I am glad with how much I’ve grown up and changed, I’m happy with who I become. I don’t regret anything, I’m happy now, excited for everything great to come, but, oh, emotions and memories. Every change is difficult. Even the ones that you’ve been waiting for for so long. But still all the endings are bittersweet. You can’t just end an important period of life unaffected and indifferent. I keep remembering the last phase of my life, before uni. No it wasn’t school for me, that was significant , it was my tutoring classes, which was hard as hell to forget, and I was depressed for sooo long after they ended. I keep comparing myself now and then. I am sincerely happy for all the changes and everything in general that happened to me. The university phase was really complicated especially at first, it was hard to overcome myself and face all my fears, new ” terrifying” things. But I learned how to deal with everything ” evil”, maybe I’m still learning but I see a huge progress. That’s why I wouldn’t gone back. Finally I accept me, the weird me, always being different from everyone. I accept my bad sides, bad habits, fears and anxiety . Accepting even what I had, and who I was to the point that I even get upset about a past phase being over. That’s what I call getting more psychologically mature. Craving only the good memories from the past, ignoring the dark and difficult ones.
Okay, I got too far, as always. What I wanted to say. I honestly wasn’t expecting giving a crap about this. But here I am, still not getting over the fact that it’s all ending. Really surprised with this character development of mine. But, bleh, that’s it, enough with this bubblegum sensitive sh”, I am graduating soon, Dobby will be free, yuhuu. See how changeable am I?