Another blog of self-observation and perception, trying to find, or re-find who I am, or who I was before the world told me who I should be.
Adventure seeker, adventurous heart, you’ve definitely heard these expressions before. Someone, who seeks for adventures, fun, new experiences, who doesn’t sit in one place. Maybe for some people it’d be hard to believe, but I am that kind of a person, and I’ve always been. I remember when I was a child, all the girls were playing dolls and princesses, were dreaming of prince charming. I also played dolls, won’t deny, but I also adored wars, cars, weapons. I was playing spies, pirates, thieves, warriors and stuff like that, with my toy knives, guns bow and arrows. And since that I haven’t changed, except I don’t play anymore, though I should admit that I still have a gun, and I like to shoot. But I’ve always imagined the perfect world full of adventures, and wish that my life would be like in the movies or books. I’ve always tried to create my own adventures in this mortal world. To explore, have fun, see, find and try everything new( except for food, I am a little picky in that area). I love the feeling of risk and adrenaline, the fear of being caught when doing sth you shouldn’t. And I’ve always managed somehow to create this fun for me. But for the last few years, my adventurous life’s been kind of on pause. Because I’m a “grown up” now, all I should do is think of my career and marriage and make-up and clothes. But that’s not who I was my whole life. Or who I dreamed to be. Maybe that’s why university became the prison of my heart and souls, because I can’t just sit and listen to the lessons that I will never need. And see how the life goes by and waves at me. I know I am dramatizing a little now, but we all love exaggerations . And I know that it’s still my decisions, no one forced me, but yet I feel forced sometimes. To waste my life at things that I don’t like. I don’t say that my life is boring or that I don’t have fun, no that would be a big lie. It’s just that I don’t only want to have the memories of going to this and that cafe, or birthdays. And I don’t want to live from weekend to weekend, from holiday to holiday, when I can be more free. I just want more.
And now, rewatching Sherlock, POTC, and Narnia I get so envious. I know that they’re fantasy movies, and nothing like that exists, but I know that there are lots of people who literally live their dreams. And I would so love to be one of those people. And maybe all of my problems come from it. The clash of my dreams, my imagination and reality. Of my adventurous soul and the “me”, who has to do some things that doesn’t want to. I know that it mostly depends on me, who I am, and what I want to do, but sometimes under different circumstances you can loose yourself, your priorities and dreams. But the most essential is that you finally understand what’s right and wrong for you, and decide to change.
That’s why I love these self-observation posts. They help me to understand myself more and to improve myself. I’ve always been an explorer and a wanderlust. For a while I made wrong decisions and appeared there where I am now. I don’t complain, I know everything happens for a reason, and in this case, the reason was really good, it was the most important lesson of understanding life, people and me better, of growing spiritually . But now I also understand that I change myself to the person I’ve always been. To enjoy my every single day, my life, my youth. To gain amazing memories, to feel that adrenaline and risk, the beating heart of excitement and fun. To have the adventures that I want to and always dreamed of. And the most important to be in harmony with my real self and get happier and happier with every new day.