Self-observation 🔍

When you haven’t written anything for a while, and you really feel like writing even though you don’t know what to write about. And I don’t even have a title for this blog.

Another period of observing myself, the people around me, and just life in general. Lately I’ve been doing a lot of before/after of myself, my attitudes towards anything, my thoughts, my fears, feelings etc. And again and again I see how much I’ve changed, for some people maybe for the worst, but for me, it’s definitely a positive change. The more I grow up, the more sociopathic I become. All the events, that I was getting excited about a few years ago, lost their not only interest but also their sense. And of course I’m not talking about getting excited for a new season, Halloween/Christmas or any other holiday, that will forever stay with me hopefully. I’m just slowly getting rid of every old persuasion or belief. And the sad part is that I’ve always been like this. There was just a time when I was betraying myself, trying to be a person I’m not, to like what I don’t like. No that’s not the sad part. The sad part is that I really thought that I liked what I liked, and I was the real myself. And maybe I will say this again after a few years looking back at nowadays’ me. But the best part is realizing that the fake me wasn’t really happy. Realizing that yes, maybe I’m a strange person, preferring to stay at home and enjoy a rainy evening watching a movie rather than going to the regular cafe and eating the junk food that makes me feel so bad afterwards. I don’t say that I don’t go to the cafes, or I don’t enjoy spending time with friends. I just don’t consider myself as a happy person only because I’ve gone to dozens of cafes, or I have a birthday or a wedding to attend every week or sth like that. I don’t think that new clothes, or makeup or phones make you happy. Doing what you truly love, and being honest and faithful to yourself, that’s when you feel the happiest. Again let’s compare. When I didn’t go to uni one day 4 years ago, I still enjoyed my day spending at home. But I was always thinking about what happened there, what did I miss, I just missed my life, an important part of it and bla bla bla. Or whenever I didn’t manage to go somewhere it always made me lonesome and even moody. But now I just don’t even have a thought about the place that I didn’t go, I am just swimming with the flow of life. Now I know that I was supposed to be somewhere, no matter what happened, I would be there. If I’m not, it means my inner part, my soul doesn’t want to be there. And that’s the difference between me now and me a few years ago. At that time I was ignoring my inner part, the part of God inside me.The same goes with all your dreams, aims, relationships and so on. No matter how hard you try to do sth, if it isn’t yours, you’ll never reach that. But when you accept your life with every good and bad side of it, everything gets easier. When you live for yourself and not for the others, when you do what you really feel doing, that’s when you will be happy. But still the best part is the time dedicated to your character development and self-observation, and the most essential thing is to notice your changes, even the little ones, seeing your growth and being proud of yourself. And now I know what I wanted to write down about, and now we get the blog title. 🖋

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